


art of death

by regs (hatae)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Character Study, Drowning, Gen, Guilt, Inferi, Regulus Black-centric, Time Loop
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:01:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22722112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hatae/pseuds/regs
Summary: Regulus opens his eyes and knows what he must do.He gets up and nearly trips over a discarded book and-He freezes as memories flood his mind. He remembers going to the cave. He remembers drinking that horrid potion and he remembers those pale veiny hands pulling him under.Hedied. He's supposed to be dead.
Relationships: Regulus Black & Sirius Black
Comments: 40
Kudos: 232





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> guess who likes regulus read the last word me
> 
> Now available in [Italian](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28072125) thanks to the lovely [Bledyn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bledyn/pseuds/Bledyn)!!

Regulus opens his eyes and knows what he must do.

  
He gets up and nearly trips over a discarded book. The word 'horcrux' glares back up at him, seemingly mocking him. He grabs the replica and shoves it in the pocket of the clothes he didn't bother to change out of the night before.

He tries to be silent while passing his mother's room, but she still hears him.

"Orion?"

Her voice is muffled, but hopeful. She’s hardly left her room after father's death. Regulus' heart aches for her. Walburga Black is not a kind woman, she's never really been a good mother either, but she's still his mother. No matter what grudges he has.

(That damned mark is her fault. She made him do it. She knew he didn't have the balls to stand up to her. She basically raised him as a pig for slaughter-)

"No, mother. It's Regulus", he says calmly.

"Oh", his mother's voice is void of all emotion. "Well, run along, then."

"I will", he says. "Goodbye, mother."

She doesn't answer. Regulus goes straight to Kreacher. His house elf looks up at him with big, watery eyes. A burst of affection runs through him when the old, tiny creature immediately grabs his hand when Regulus reaches out.

  
His thin fingers curling around his as he looks up at Regulus with trust in his eyes. He once again curses the day he told the Dark Lord he had a house elf.

He remembers just how long it took Kreacher to recover.

"Master Regulus-", Kreacher croaks, but Regulus interrupts him. Doesn't want Kreacher to say anything that might make him change his mind.  
"Kreacher, listen to me", he says, and his voice comes out stronger than he expected. The replica lies heavy in his pocket.

"I know what the Dark Lord is hiding and I'm going to destroy him. You understand he is not a good man, don't you?", he asks and Kreacher's eyes glaze over as he no doubt thinks back on the snake-like man's cruelty.

"Kreacher?", he asks, gently squeezing the small hand he's still holding.

  
"Yes", Kreacher answers.

"Alright. Good. That's good. I trust you will tell no one of this. Not even mother", he says and for a split second he considers also mentioning Sirius, but he abandons that thought. His brother would undoubtedly believe what he wants everyone to believe and would not bother looking further into it. It's for the best.

"Take me to the cave, Kreacher", he orders and Kreacher wildly shakes his head.

"No, master Regulus. Kreacher-'

"Take me to the cave, Kreacher", he orders, a harsh edge to his voice this time and the elf's ears seem to droop as he disapparates, taking Regulus with him.

Regulus has looked into Kreacher's memories, of course. But the cave is even more impressive in real life. The entrance must be at least 8 meters high. How did his former master even find this?

The Dark Lord had made Kreacher swim and watched him nearly drown in delight. Disgust courses through him at the memory.  
He squats down and lets Kreacher climb onto his back before jumping into the icy water. The cold takes his breath away and Regulus nearly forgets to start swimming. That would be quite unfortunate, drowning before even making it into the cave.

He would’ve laughed it he wasn’t so busy trying to make sure he doesn’t do exactly that. In the water his house elf seems to weight ten times more than he actually does.

It seems to take hours (but in reality he’s sure it only takes ten minutes) but eventually he crawls back onto shore, inside the damp and dark cave. His arms and legs tremble and he struggles to get back up.

“Master Regulus, are you okay?”, Kreacher asks, eyeing him worriedly and trying to help him. Which is futile, of course, but Regulus still appreciates his efforts.

“Yes Kreacher, thank you”, he forces out past chattering teeth. He grabs his wand and dries them both. His hands still tremble, but he doubts that’s not because of the cold. He casts lumos and they walk towards the far wall of the cave which Regulus knows hides monstrosities so horrible he has to swallow bile. His house elf picks up a large, sharp rock which looks entirely too big and dangerous in his hands.

“Give it to me”, he says and Kreacher does so automatically.

“But master-“, he cuts off in a cry when Regulus cuts his hand open. He presses it against the cave wall and feels it disintegrate under his bloodied hand, seemingly purring in delight. Kreacher’s milky eyes are now brimming with tears.

Regulus winks at him with a small smile as he closes the wound with his wand. “Wouldn’t want you having a second scar, now, would we?”

Silent tears start running over the elf’s face in response and he leads Regulus to the place he knows he can get the boat. That tiny boat, cruelly designed to take two people and only bring one back. The only way to get past the dark water full off corpses.

Of all the monstrosities the dark lord has thought of, this must be the worst one.

Though that could also be because this time it was he himself who would be undergoing it, Regulus realizes. Shame rears its ugly head as he thinks back on all the unfortunate wizards, witches and muggles that had undergone a similar fate, but he didn’t even think too much about because he saw them as less. The way the Dark Lord saw Kreacher.

He distracts himself from this disturbing realisation by concentrating and calling the boat.

After a long and gruelling process of pulling the small boat out of the water him and Kreacher are seated, cramped even with how small Kreacher is. Regulus looks down into the dark water and thinks that it _must_ be done. It’s the only way.

The only way to even begin to right the wrongs he’s done.

Again, inexplicably, his thought travel to Sirius. His disgraceful older brother, the one who he always thought made the wrong choice. His mother had made sure of that.

Who knew that all this time it was Regulus who chose wrong. By obeying their father and mother. Like almost any child would.

He can’t help it, he laughs softly. All this time hating Sirius and for what?

His laughter cuts off abruptly when something in the water moves, just out of his line of vision. He stays silent after that, keeping his eyes on the island in from of him, where his untimely death awaits.

_It’s for the best._

That’s the mantra he keeps repeating as they finally arrive. Kreacher is sobbing softly now, his entire body trembling and Regulus has half a mind to follow his example.

He stays strong, though. Because that’s what Blacks do.

He vaguely remembers Sirius crying the first and last time their mother cast an unforgivable curse on him. Right before he left. He shakes his head to get the memory out of his head and takes the replica out of his pocket. He kneels in front of Kreacher. His house elf briefly ceases his whimpering sobs.

“Kreacher, I want you to take this locket and replace it with the real one once it’s empty, okay?”, Kreacher nods with difficulty and Regulus blinks rapidly. “Okay. Good. That’s good. I’m going to drink this now and you are going to make sure I drink it all. Then, once you’ve replaced it. I want you to leave me, no matter how much I beg. I want you to go-“

Kreacher looks like he’s going to be sick. “No, master! Let Kreacher drink! Kreacher wants to…Kreacher wants to drink.”

Regulus ignores the blatant lie. “-and once you’re home you remember, right? You’re to tell no one. No matter what mother does. And I want you to destroy the real locket. That’s important, Kreacher. It’s the only way.”

Kreacher nods when Regulus puts on his shoulder and shakes him a little.

The young man nods, lips trembling. “Thank you, Kreacher.”

And then he turns around, grabs the bowl and starts drinking. The first five swallows are alright, there’s a slight burning sensation in his stomach as Regulus quickly brings the bowl to his lips to drink. Just when he starts thinking this might be easier than he’d anticipated the yelling starts, somewhere in the back of his head. He freezes.

_“You insolent boy! Didn’t I tell you not to mention that blood traitor’s name again!”_

Regulus winces and mutters: “Mother…”

_“This is your last warning, you little brat!”_

Regulus brings the bowl back to his lips and drinks. Feeling the substance burn its way down his throat.

_“Crucio!”_

And pain courses through him, as if he’s actually getting cursed. He screams and falls to the floor and for a second he forgets that he’s in that cave and he’s fifteen again, getting the same treatment Sirius got before he left. Along with pain there’s betrayal and hate. Towards his mother and towards the blood traitor he’d once called his brother. For leaving him to this fate.

His mother’s face appears before him, contorted in something he can’t place.

_“Merlin, what am I- I’m sorry, Reggie. I’m sorry.”_

The warped face of his mother disappears and he’s looking into Kreacher’s big eyes.

“Drink, master.”

And Regulus opens his mouth obediently, letting Kreacher pour the awful _awful_ drink into his mouth. He swallows and again there’s a voice. So loud that it’s nearly deafening.

_“Don’t fucking touch me!”_

“Sirius, please….don’t leave!”, he cries as his brother’s betrayed face swims in front of him. Like a vision in a dream. God, his whole body burns. He’s hurting so much.

_“You didn’t even do anything! You never do! You’re so pathetic!”_

“Don’t be mad….I was scared”, he says hoarsely and Sirius barks out a laugh and Regulus remembers him shoving Regulus aside so hard he fell to the floor.

_“Go to hell, Reg!”_

“Sirius! No. Don’t go, please…please…!”

Tears are running over his cheeks and there’s Kreacher again, with that damn bowl. His weakly puts his hands in front of his face.

“No, it hurts. Enough, Kreacher. Please, stop.”, he whimpers and if his mother would see him now she’d have a heart attack, because Blacks don’t beg

“Master Regulus has to drink, he told Kreacher”, Kreacher says as fat tears run over his wrinkly face and Regulus drops his hands.

It seems to go on for hours he sees and feels awful things. At some point he thinks he’s begging Kreacher to kill him. He’s pretty sure he screams so loud he loses his voice by the end of it. Which it miraculously does. End. That is.

He stares up at the dark cave and feels thirst like he never has before. Like he might actually _kill_ someone for one sip of water. The need to drink is so overwhelming he harshly (well, it would have been if he actually had any strength left) shoves Kreacher aside, dragging himself towards the only source of water. He cuts his hands open on the rocks in his haste.

Kreacher is crying hysterically, but Regulus pays him no mind. He makes it to the black water and puts his hand in. He means to quickly bring it to his mouth and drink, but he never has the chance. Immediately a cold, dead hand curls around his wrist. In the murky water he sees a vile face with white, dead eyes staring up at him.

He pulls, but he’s so weak he doesn’t even manage to pull himself loose before more hands are grabbing at his arm and his clothes. He can’t even manage a scream before he’s pulled under.

Water fills his mouth at last and for a second it’s actually so satisfying he forgets to struggle. That second is all it takes for dozens of more hands to grab him and drag him further underneath. Pressures begins building and water is now filling his lungs. It’s so dark he doesn’t even notice himself slipping away.

Regulus opens his eyes and knows what he must do-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeahh, i've always been really invested in regulus' story and his relationship with his brother and i wanted to do my take on it, but with a twist:'))
> 
> anyway, do let me know what you thought of it so far!!  
> ((also maybe some things aren't completely right in terms of the cave things, bc it has been a while since i've read the halfblood prince but oh well ;)) )
> 
> [ my tumblr](http://pleasanttales.tumblr.com).


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anotha one

He blinks at the ceiling for a second, before sluggishly getting up and nearly tripping over a discarded book. The word 'horcrux' glares back up at-

He freezes as memories flood his mind. He remembers going to the cave. He remembers drinking that horrid potion and he remembers those pale veiny hands pulling him under.

He _died._ He's supposed to be dead.

Did he somehow survive? Did Kreacher manage to save him?

There's no pain, though. Not in his stomach nor in his hand. He looks at the palm of his hand. There’s no sign of him cutting into it. His eyes fall on the replica that's still lying on his night side table. Just like it had been before he left yesterday.

A dream, then?

He looks down at himself and sees that he's still wearing the same clothes as the day before.

Yes, a dream. It's just like him to dream about his own death before it's supposed to happen.

He puts the replica in his pocket. He exits his room and can't shake the feeling that that dream was...absurdly vivid.

  
He's never had that before. And he can't stop thinking about how real those hands felt, how real the water running in his lungs-

"Orion?"

  
_"Crucio!"_

He winces and yells back. "No”, he pauses, feeling slightly nauseated. “Just…just me, mother."

"Oh", his mother's voice is dull. "Well then, run along."

  
"Yes, I will", he says. "Goodbye, mother."

  
She doesn't answer and Regulus suppresses a shiver. He tries to shove the incident to the back of his mind as he goes to get Kreacher and makes him promise. He can't quite shake the feeling that those small hands gripping his feel exactly the same. That the ears drooping just before they leave are just too familiar.  
He really doesn't feel like swimming, though. Just the thought of entering the water makes him tremble.

  
"Can you take us further in, Kreacher?", he asks and Kreacher blinks in surprise, momentarily pulled out of the miserable mood he’s in.

  
"Keacher does not know, master. He has not tried it before."

He grabs Regulus's hand and they disappear with a bang. When Regulus opens his eyes again (because he really does not enjoy the feeling of his eyes seemingly being pressed into the back of his head when he keeps them open) they’re standing in front of the far wall of the cave. Behind them the sea roars and Regulus lets out a small sigh of relief.

  
"Good. Thank you, Kreacher", he says as he bends down to grab the same rock as in his dream before Kreacher can.  
"Master Regulus? Let Kreacher-", Kreacher lets our a cry when Regulus cuts open his hand and presses it against the wall.

The atmosphere of the place hidden behind the cave wall makes him briefly forget all his suspicions and after taking that same boat and letting Kreacher make the same promise as in his dream he takes his first sip.

The voices are consistent.

  
First it's his mother, then his brother and Regulus screams all the same.

  
By the end all the thoughts of the weird dream have vanished from his hazy mind which is only focused on one thing.

Cold, dead hands pull him under as Kreacher’s hysterical sobs ring in his ear.

Regulus opens his eyes and knows what he must do.

  
He stares up at the green curtains above him and can still taste the sickly sweet water in his mouth.

  
"What the fuck", he mutters.

Something is wrong.  
Something is seriously, seriously wrong.

  
Regulus looks down at himself and sees the same clothes he wore the three days before. He's sure it wasn't a dream.

He stands up and nearly trips over a discarded book. He grabs the locket and shoves it in his pocket for the third time.

Not even ten seconds later he bursts into his mother's room.

  
"Orion?", she asks hopefully, her gaunt face peering back at him from under her blanket. Her face falls. "Oh, it's you."

  
Regulus can't even find it in himself to be hurt.  
"Mother, have you noticed?", he asks breathlessly.

  
Her eyes narrow and she sits up, displeased. Her thin arms tremble with exhaustion. "Have I noticed what?"

"This thing that's happening?"

"What? What thing? Merlin boy, make yourself clear", she snaps and the bags under her eyes are so dark they seem like bruises. His mother had once been an attractive woman, but age and misery had had left her gaunt and wrinkled, a mockery of the prideful beauty she’d once been.

  
"We've done this before already", he says stupidly.

  
Clearly his mother doesn't remember. And even if she did, she wouldn't realize in her state of mind. "What? You annoying me? Clearly. You're fifteen, Regulus. I expect you to be more grown up, especially now that you’re the heir."

Regulus clenches his jaw. He hates when his mother gets like this.

  
"Nevermind. Go back to sleep mother, I apologize for disturbing you", he says, feeling stupid for even trying.  
"Run along, then", he mother snaps and Regulus almost laughs.

  
Classic.

"I will. Goodbye, mother."

Kreacher is none the wiser, staring at him with growing concern as Regulus insists that they've done this before, provably wondering if his mother's condition has started rubbing off on him.

  
"Master Regulus clearly isn't well. How about master goes to lie down in his bed and Kreacher makes him something to drink", Kreacher offers kindly.

  
Regulus flushes. Clearly this isn't going to be as easy as he thought. Not that it had been before. Regulus died. Two times already. He freezes as a thought hits him, maybe it's another part of the Dark Lord's twisted game.

  
An endless loop. Dying over and over again to no avail. He...needs to look into this more.

  
"That's very kind of you, Kreacher. I'll be in father's study."

  
Regulus looks into it all day. The only logical explanation he can find is in a book his father clearly hadn't touched in years. It describes a time loop, but those are very rare and can't be caused by magic.

It can only be caused by something far more powerful than magic and even runes, something like fate. To right a wrong.

Though it's a relief to find out it's not one of the Dark Lord's schemes, because he doubts even the Dark Lord is powerful (or deserving) enough to play with fate, though he'd undoubtedly tried if he had meddled with _horcruxes_ of all things. Of course he still isn't too glad with the whole situation, though. He is trying to right his wrongs, isn't he? For fuck's sake, he's dying to bring Voldemort down, what more is he supposed to do?

  
When he goes downstairs again it's evening and he means to ask Kreacher if he knows any more about it. At least he means to, but he somehow misses a step and falls down the stairs.

  
A betrayal by his own damn house, he thinks just before landing and breaking his neck.

Regulus opens his eyes and knows what he must do.

  
He starts laughing. He can't help it. It's just too bloody funny.  
Even when he wasn't actively trying to die, he still did. By falling down the stairs. That's too good.

  
What the hell does that mean, though? He'll keep dying if he doesn't right his wrong? He's just supposed to die the right way?  
Which is undoubtedly in the cave, because he can't imagine falling down the stairs to be his fate. Though he supposes it could be fitting. Another failure in his already shameful existence. He stops laughing when that thought enters his head.

  
"Bloody hell", he mutters, before getting up and skillfully avoiding tripping over the book. He puts the locket in his pocket and heads downstairs.

  
"Orion?"  
"No mother", he yells back impatiently.

  
He doesn’t know what to do...except he does. No matter how he twists and turns it he knows what he must do. His father is dead, though he doubts he would’ve been of help had he been alive. Always busy with work, leaving his children to deal with their slightly deranged mother. His mother is exactly that, especially now, so she’s of no help either. He’d gone to Kreacher twice already and it hadn’t worked both times.

That leaves Sirius as the only viable option. The last glimpse he’d seen of his brother had been at their father’s funeral, though it was a brief glimpse as he looked up while holding his grieve-stricken mother as the casket was lowered into dirt, their eyes met and before Regulus could examine him closer Sirius was gone. He’d scowled, the mad whispers of his mother echoing in his ears.

He opens the cupboard and Kreacher’s familiar glazy eyes greet him. He reaches down and Kreacher grabs his hand. Just like the times before, it sends a wave of affection through him. Regulus is glad that at least this (hopefully last) time he doesn’t have to traumatise his house elf again.

_No, you’ll be doing it your brother instead,_ a little voice in the back of his head that sounds suspiciously like the Dark Lord’s deceitfully velvety voice says cruelly.

  
"Kreacher, get me to Sirius”, he says quickly, if only to distract himself.

Keacher’s eyes widen, and his lips curl. Like it does every time Sirius is mentioned. “Why would Kreacher take master Regulus to the blood traitor? The mistress-“

Regulus clicks his tongue impatiently. “I order you to take me to Sirius, Kreacher.”  
Kreacher winces at Regulus’ unfamiliar shortness, but he does follow his order. He grabs Regulus' hand and disapparates, though still looking doubtful.

When Regulus opens his eyes he's in front of a door in what seems to be an apartment. Clearly a muggle apartment, Regulus notes. Though there is a distinct magical aura radiating from the door in front of him.

"You can leave, Kreacher. Mistress needs you at home. I'll...call you when I need you, okay?"

  
Kreacher looks hesitant, but does leave. The bang echoes through the hallways and Regulus is pretty sure Sirius is already aware of his presence at this point.

He’s proven to be correct, because before he can knock the door is thrown open and a wand is pointed in his face.

Regulus nearly goes cross eyed looking at it.

"Hands where I can see them", his brother's voice growls and Regulus quickly raises his hands before looking up and finally meeting Sirius's cold gaze.

And for the first time Regulus realizes that this might not have been such a good idea. That he isn't the only one that has spend the last couple of years bitter about his brother's choices.

  
"Are you alone?", he snarls.

Regulus nods. "I just want to talk."

  
He flinches a bit, it sounds foolish even to his own ears. He _hates_ feeling foolish.  
Sirius roughly snatches Regulus' wand out of his pocket and pulls him inside, sending Regulus stumbling _-Regulus remembers him shoving Regulus aside so hard he fell to the floor_ -checking the hallway before closing the floor and rounding on him, wand still raised.

"How did you even find me?"

Regulus bites his lip, wondering exactly how much he should let on in order to get his brother come with him. "Kreacher."

  
Sirius predictably pulls a disgusted face, reminding him much of Kreacher’s when he had mentioned him. "Even now I can’t get rid of that little rat, huh?"

"Don't talk about him like that", he snaps, before remembering that he's the one at Sirius' mercy and that his estranged brother very much has the power to get him into Azkaban.  
Not that it really matter, probably. It's just not how he planned on spending the day.

  
Sirius barks out a laugh and lowers his wand, putting it in his pocket next to Regulus'.

"I guess I don't need to test whether or not you're even really my brother", he says and if he'd said this to Regulus a couple of weeks ago he would've snapped at him not to call him that. That he'd lost that privilege the moment he walked out of that house.

But the Regulus now has already given his life to bring down the Dark Lord twice and the only thing he feels for the tyrannical man that pulled them apart is hate and disgust.

His hands drop and the dark mark on his arm burns along with the shame.

"Why are you here, Reg?", Sirius asks and Regulus flinches at the nickname. He studies his brother. Objectively, Sirius looks good. Better than Regulus, that's for sure. Not counting the days spend in the loophole, he hadn't had a proper night's rest in weeks.

Sirius' hair is shorter than it was the last time they saw each other and he's buffed up quite a bit. No doubt thanks to his auror's training. Despite Regulus’ growth spurt over the last couple of months, his older brother is still taller than him. Though that is hardly a surprise. 

  
"I need help", he admits finally. Probably for the fist time in his life.

Sirius’ eyes lose some of its hard edge as he comes to that same conclusion. He motions to the couch and they both sit down.

“I won’t lie, Reg. I’m not very inclined to help you. You get that, right?”, his grey eyes travel to Regulus’ left arm and if Regulus could have he’d cut it off right then and there. But alas, he needs it for his time in the cave.

“I know”, he says quietly, forcing himself to look into Sirius’ eyes. It’s a strange feeling, since he’d always bitterly avoided them when they were both attending Hogwarts. “But you’re the only one I’ve got.”

Sirius frowns and the warmth that he thought he saw before is gone. “The only one? Haven’t you got any death eater friends you can fall back on? Rosier-“

He falls silent and Regulus stiffens. Evan Rosier had been a close friend of Regulus’ while in school. He was killed in an unexpected auror-attack a couple of months ago. Not even two months after Hogwarts ended. He wasn’t even eighteen yet. Regulus heart feels heavy. They’d had to leave his body behind.

“I can’t”, he says through gritted teeth. Can't Sirius just make this easier on them both and just comply?

“Why not? Why would I be able to help you with something, when even your friends can't?”

Clearly not.

“Because I want to bring down the Dark Lord”, Regulus angrily blurts out and Sirius’ mouth falls open as his eyes widen in shock. "That's why."

“What? But you’re a-“, he stops talking and his eyes travel to Regulus’ arm again, as if he can see right through his thin shirt.

“Yes, I know what I am", he snarls, unreasonably angry at Sirius for making him confront that part of himself _again_. He kind of wants to claw the skin his mark's on off now, if he can't lose the arm. "Or was, I guess. But that…man needs to be stopped. If he ever gets into power it’ll destroy everything. He’s sick in the head."

He can’t help the disgust that creeps into his voice. At Voldemort and at himself for ever looking up to him.

It’s silent for a while as Sirius digests what he’s just said.

“Took you a while to find out”, he says eventually, sounding _smug._ Like Regulus deflecting from the death eaters is all some kind of game and he won it.

Regulus really doesn’t know why he thought this was a good idea. It seems like dying a couple of times made him forget for a second how much of an asshole Sirius actually was.

“Fuck you”, he bites out and his voice trembles with how furious he actually is. He’ll do this himself. He’ll just buy a vanishing cabinet or something. It might work. He doesn’t need his disappointment of a brother there to make stupid remarks and act like he’s all high and mighty-

“No, wait. Sit down. I’m sorry”, Sirius, whose eyes flash with guilt, says quickly as he grabs Regulus’ wrist and pulls him back onto the couch. Regulus hadn’t even noticed getting up.

“You have no idea what I’ve gone through and...what I still have to bloody do, so don’t you dare patronize me”, he bites out and to his absolute dismay his voice cracks, because he remembers those fucking hands pulling him under and the water filling his lungs, making him unable to even take a last breath.

Sirius' grips tightens a bit upon hearing that. He looks almost ashamed. “I said I’m sorry, Reg! I wasn't thinking...", Regulus shrugs out of his grip, unable to stand his touch. He makes to get up again. "Wait! I’ll help you, okay? I’ll help you! Are you happy now?”

Part of him wants to call Kreacher and go with the plan of the vanishing cabinet, but another part of him (that isn’t blinded by pride) knows that Sirius is still his best bet.

He purses his lips and sits back down. “…Fine.”

He can feel Sirius’ eyes boring into the side of his head. “...What's your plan, anyway?”

Regulus looks up and something on his face must give Sirius a foreboding of what he’s about to say, because he pulls a face.

“Please don’t tell me you want to fucking storm his head quarters in a suicide mission or something, because I’m sorry, Reg, but I absolutely do not want to die when I’m not absolutely sure we’re taking that arsehole with us”, he says with a little grin and Regulus shouldn’t be surprised that his brother dares to refer to Voldemort as _‘that arsehole’._ Regulus’ lips twitch a bit, before he allows himself a wan smile.

“Don’t worry, you won’t be the one doing the dying”, he says reassuringly. It doesn’t have the desired effect. Sirius’ eyes narrow suspiciously.

“What’s _that_ supposed to mean?”

Regulus frowns, cursing his own poor choice of words. “That you won’t be dying today, so no need to be worried.”

“Implicating that you will, then?”, Sirius ask and his voice is suddenly two octaves higher, the way Regulus remembers it getting when he was upset. He suddenly understand what this is. This is Sirius being worried about him. He’d nearly forgotten what that felt like.

“Maybe if you help me, I won’t”, he lies, if only to put Sirius' mind at easy, but Sirius is already shaking his head before he’s even finished his sentence.

“No, absolutely not. Whatever your plan is, we’re not doing it”, he says and suddenly Regulus feels twelve years old again. “What?! But you said-!”

“I know what I said”, his brother interrupts rudely. “but that doesn’t mean I’m about to let to let you risk your life, Reg!”

If only he knew.

Regulus knows that he has to play this smart and pretend to be composed in order to convince Sirius, but like always when his brother is involved, he can’t seem to think straight (though that could also be the exhaustion catching up to him).

_“Let me?”_ , Regulus asks incredulously. “I’m overage and this is my decision!”

“The answer is no”, Sirius snaps and Regulus once again contemplates the vanishing cabinet. Frustration crawls up his throat and he feels a pressure behind his eyes that he desperately tries to ignore. He is not about to cry in front of Sirius. He’s _not._

“Please, Sirius. I need you”, he says desperately, because coming here really felt like the right thing to do. “Just…I know what I’m doing. Trust me just this once. It'll be fine, I swear!”

Sirius looks like he wants to argue more, but something on Regulus’ face seems to stop him. He huffs and falls back against the couch, contemplating.

“I’m going to regret this, aren’t I?”, he sighs eventually, shoulders slumping in defeat. Regulus nearly hugs his brother in relief. He smiles, instead.

“No, you won’t. Just do everything I say and we should be fine.”

Sirius nods uncertainly. “Alright, so…what’s the plan?”

  
Regulus considers for a second what to tell him. Even though Sirius has temporarily agreed, he’s sure that if he finds out about the fact that this plan of his most definitely ends in Regulus dying he won’t agree to it anymore. 

He shudders when his inevitable death enters his mind again. He nearly feels the tears he barely managed to stop just a second ago threaten to fall again.

“We have to go replace a locket that the Dark Lord holds dear with this replica”, he says quickly, forcing himself to stray from that particlar thought. He grabs into his pocket and shows Sirius the replica.

“That’s _it_?”, Sirius asks incredulously, studying it a little closer. “We have to replace a piece of jewelry and You-Know-Who will just drop dead?"

“I know it may sound silly, but it’s one step in making sure the Dark Lord goes down”, he assures his brother as he puts the locket back in his pocket. “It is the most important one, though. Trust me.”

Sirius looks uncertain, eyes flicking from Regulus’ eyes, to his left arm and to his pocket a couple of times. For a second Regulus is scared he'll blow the entire thing off, but then he seems to make up his mind and he sets his jaw as determination appears in his eyes. “Alright, fine, I’ll trust you."

  
Regulus senses no lie. Sirius really is the bigger man out of the two of them. Even after everything he has done, his brother still trusts him. He proves it by handing him back his wand. Regulus keeps it in his hand. "Please don't make me regret it, Reg."

He reaches out and gently grabs Sirius’ hand, giving it a little squeeze. “I won't, let’s go.”

“Wait, shouldn’t we-“, he’s cut off when Regulus disapparates. It takes multiple times and he desperately tries to do so inside the cave, but something stops him, so he’s forced to land on the rock just outside of it. His estranged brother standing next to him this time, eyeing the cave with apprehension. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you guys are still enjoying this!  
> ngl i'm not sure where i'm going with this, but we'll see!!  
> -
> 
> also this fanfic aside, i've been thinking and can i just say that i am so confused as to why we've never gotten a marauders tv show or something??
> 
> like, how weird is that?? i would honestly kill for a show that centers around them and their time in hogwarts?? i would love to know more abt sirius and his relationship with his parents, regulus and james!! also remus and his struggles with the fact that he's a werewolf dude that would be some good shit? james' growth from a conceited bully to a man that would literally give his life for the people he cares abt?? and even peter and how he went from a good kid to someone that would go as far as to basically murder a baby?? like...plS i want to see it :'((
> 
> -
> 
> also pls do let me know what you thought of it <3


	3. Chapter 3

“Where the hell are we?”, Sirius screams at him, still only barely audible over the roaring of the waves. His brother looks positively out of his field, looking around at the foaming sea around them.

“The real one’s in there”, Regulus motions towards the cave. He really hopes that this time it does work. He also looks at the water around them and tries not to image the white foam to be the faces of the undead staring up at him.

  
Regulus stumbles a bit and Sirius quickly grabs his arm. "Woah, you okay?"

  
"Yeah, just....I really don't want to go in there", he says and his breathing speeds up at the thought of jumping in and having to _swim_. He's already light-headed from the multiple disapparation attempts and this is not helping.

"What? Why?", Sirius asks loudly and he's starting to look rather panicked himself, like he's about to promptly disapparate away if Regulus keeps this up.

  
He allows himself a couple of seconds to get out of his own head and calm down. It doesn’t work completely, but he does feel like he’s not on the verge of having a panic attack anymore.

"Nothing, I'm just being dramatic. Sorry", he yells and he gives Sirius a small self-deprecating grin to lull him into a false sense of security. Though he's afraid they're past that stage, Sirius still looks alarmed.

  
"Are you sure? Reg, if you don't want to do this, we don't have to", Sirius says, glacing uneasily at the cage. Regulus quickly shakes his head.

"No, I have to do this", he mutters softly, before speaking up. "Let's go."  
And he jumps. The water is cold and smothering, but Regulus forces himself to swim. A curse and a loud spash behind him indicate that Sirius has joined him in the water.

It seems to take even longer this time and Regulus keeps expecting hands to grab him and pull him under, but eventually they do both manage to make it onto shore unscathed.

  
Regulus nearly throws up, but manages to swallow the bile. He pulls a face. Sirius, who was busy climbing onto shore and gasping, thankfully doesn’t notice.

"Lumos", his brother says shakily. His grey eyes widen as he takes in the sheer scale of the cave. "Where the hell are we?"

"Not sure, some place that holds some significance to the Dark Lord, I imagine", Regulus trembles, before he quickly dRies them both and walks towards the far wall of the cave. His brother follows him hesitantly.  
"How do you even know all of this stuff? No offence, but I didn't think you were that important". Sirius says, offensively.

Regulus picks up the all too familiar rock. It's almost a comforting weight in his unmarred hand.

  
"I wasn't, but I did offer up Kreacher at some point", he says bitterly. "That experience was quite enlightening."

  
"You offered up Kreacher to Voldemort?", Sirius asks disbelievingly and if he ever doubted that that was the worst mistake he’d ever made in his life, he wouldn’t anymore, because even Sirius of all people sounds scandalized. _“You?”_

"Yes", he snarls as he cuts open his hand with more force than strictly necessary.

Sirius cries out in shock and for someone who so very much loathes Kreacher, he does eerily remind Regulus of him sometimes.

He presses it against the wall and feels that same sickening delight beneath his bloodied fingertips.

"What on earth was that all about?", Sirius asks worriedly as he grabs Regulus' hand and quickly mends the would with his wand, when he turns to the wall and finds it gone his tone turns sour. "Right, this place is not creepy at all."

"It's over there", Regulus says, nodding towards the small island, the only light in the pitch black cave. "The real locket."

"How are we supposed to get there? I'm sure we can't just disapparate if Voldie is the one that secured it", Sirius says sensibly. "Also, how in the bloody hell did you know how to do that? Are you sure you haven't been here before?”

"No", Regulus lies easily. "But I told you, Kreacher has."

"Right, leave it to that little creep to know all about the creepiest places in the world", he mutters and quickly puts his hands up in surrender when Regulus glowers at him. "Right, sorry. No offending the wet toe rag known as Kreacher."

"Why are you always like that?", he asks, stalking over to that al too familiar spot where magic purrs loudly. He puts his hand up and waits.  
"Like what?", Sirius asks, too busy looking suspiciously at the dark lake in front of them to notice Regulus’ strange gesture.

  
"Why are you always so horrible to Kreacher?", he asks as the chain splashes out of the water and into his hand. At this Sirius does look up, startled.  
"I am not even going to ask", the taller man states dryly, before helping his little brother pull the boat out of the water.

Regulus steps in, looking back expectantly when Sirius doesn't follow suit like Kreacher would.

"That seems incredibly unsafe", Sirius says, eyeing the boat distrustfully. Seems like the years have changed Sirius as well. The Sirius he last spoke to a couple of years ago was a lot more brazen and would've followed him without question. Though Regulus supposes it makes sense, they're in a cave specifically designed by Voldemort himself. He'd be a fool not to question everything. His caution is inconvenient, though. Anymore stalling and Regulus is afraid he'll chicken out like he so desperately wants to. 

"It'll be fine", Regulus bites out. Sirius carefully steps in, he stays standing, seeing how there's no way he'll be able to sit down along with Regulus. And off they go.

"He started it”, Sirius says after a couple of minutes of silence.

Regulus looks up at him, but Sirius isn't paying attention to him. He's looking out over the lake with watchful eyes, wand at the ready.

"Kreacher" , he clarifies. "He started it. The moment I was sorted into Gryffindor" Regulus looks down into the water and imagines he sees mangled, white shapes move below them.

He lets out a trembling sigh.

"He did", he says sadly. "Along with mother."

"And father, don't forget about him", Sirius laughs coldly. "He didn't exactly hide his disappointment either. The few times he bothered to grace us with his presence, that is."  
"Sirius, I-", Regulus doesn't really even know where he was going with that sentence. He's shut up when there's a splash in the water not too far from them. That sounds about right.

"What was that?", Sirius hisses, and where before it was just sensible caution, there’s now a real hint of real fear in his voice. Regulus doesn’t point it out.

"An inferus", Regulus admits, figuring there's no more reason to play dumb. They can't exactly turn back now. Sirius has no choice but to cooperate.

"What?", his brother asks and his voice trembles. He quickly kneels and grabs Regulus' shoulders, belatedly making sure he can’t fall out. His fingers dig into his flesh so harshly it almost hurts. Regulus sees no reason in pointing that one out either.

"You can't be serious right now", he hisses.

  
"I wish I wasn't", Regulus says softly. "Don't worry, though. They won't actually do anything until I drink."

" _Drink?_ Drink what?"

As if on cue they arrive at the island. It's almost strange with no whimpering sobs from Kreacher to accompany him this time. 

"The potion that protects the real locket", Regulus explains as he gets out of the boat and helps Sirius out as well. He grabs inside his pockets and puts the replica in his older brother’s hand. Sirius looks deadly pale in the blue light the poison radiates. 

"I need you to listen, Sirius. You need to replace this locket with the real one once I've finished drinking that potion. I need you to destroy it after. If you don’t succeed, bring it to Dumbledore. He's the only one you can tell, okay?" Mentioning Dumbledore is a deliberate attempt to get Sirius to comply more easily, but once again Sirius isn't nearly as cooperative as Kreacher.

He immediately shakes his head and attempts to give him the locket back.

  
"Why don't you do it? I don’t even know what the fuck this wretched thing is", Sirius protest vehemently. “Fucking… _take_ it, Regulus.”

  
"Don't be stupid, you’re the only one here able to do it", Regulus snaps impatiently, attempting to wretch his arm loose from where Sirius has actually grabbed it in an attempt to hold it still and force him to take the locket back. “Ask Kreacher for my research, that’ll be able to help you.”

"No! I'll help you destroy it, okay? Okay, Reg? Just stop talking like you're about to fucking die."

"Isn't it obvious?", Regulus finally looses his cool and raises his voice. "I brought you here to help me because I am going to die! I _won't_ be surviving this, Sirius! So stop being so bloody stubborn and take it!'

The lockets hangs uselessly in Sirius' still hand. He's stopped trying to forcefully shove it in his brother's uncooperative ones.

"Don't say that", he says quietly. Regulus easily wretches his hand out of his grip.

"I'm going to drink this now and it'll be...difficult, so I need you to force it down my throat if you have to. I don't care. just make sure I get it all down", Regulus continues, glad now that he's stopped yelling. He's only fairly certain the inferi won't come until the potion's gone.

"Just stop." It’s unnerving how quiet his usually loud and boisterous brother can get.

"And then I need you to leave me here. I imagine it won't be easy, but it's the only way", Regulus goes on, barely even listening. He's sure his brother can do it. 

Sirius looks like he's about to be sick. 

"Looks like you got it", Regulus nods and he makes to turn around and reach inside the bowl. Sirius grabs his wrist again, hard enough to bruise this time. If he couldn’t have seen his hand (which was in fact not rotting and unnaturally pale) Regulus would’ve easily mistaken him as one of the creatures in the lake.

  
"Fucking stop! Regulus, I am not doing this and neither are you. You can't honestly expect me to force feed you poison and then leave you here to inferi. That's sick", he says, with an edge so dangerous in his voice it reminds Regulus of their mother.

Regulus really didn’t want to have to do this. "You don't have a choice."

"Wha-?"

  
"That boat is only able to carry one person back", he says jerkily. "I don’t plan on going back. I brought you here to help me. You either leave me here without changing the locket and let me die a needless death or you leave me here, change the locket and let my death have some meaning."

Sirius stares at him with lips pressed so tightly together they're completely white. Betrayal swims in his eyes and unexpected guilt courses through Regulus. His mouth trembles, but he meets his brother’s gaze head on.

"You knew?", Sirius asks and his usually so animated voice is expressionless. "You knew you were going to die and that I was going to be your executioner and you still brought me here."

"It had to be done", Regulus says, but the hard edge to his own voice is gone and he just sounds as defeated as he feels. Even to his own ears "I'm sorry it had to go this way, Sirius."

"Yeah, I'm sure you are", Sirius says and there's wetness in his eyes he desperately tries to blink away. He suddenly looks the nineteen year old he actually is. Still a kid himself. "I'm sure you are."

  
Regulus hesitates, wondering what he can say to make it better. Then he realizes there's nothing and he brings the bowl to his lips.

He tries to keep on drinking on his own as long as he can, tries to focus on the sniffles behind him that Sirius desperately tries to muffle. They're almost grounding.

He tries to keep the scream when his mother in his head hits him with the curse in, but just like the last couple of times, that's where he fails.

  
He collapses onto the rocks and screams. And while he does he vaguely hears that cursed voice in the back of his head telling him that this is the third time already, that he should know by now that it wasn't real.

  
The potion clouds his mind, though.

Eventually his mother's faced is replaced by Sirius'- _in his clouded mind he'd expected for Kreacher's wrinkly snout to appear instead of Sirius' handsome one._ He's crying all the same, though. It's a testament to how far gone Regulus is, because in a moment of weakness he nearly reaches out to wipe his brother's tears away.

He opens his mouth and Sirius silently pours the potion in, choking back sobs. Sirius' face is replaced by his own one, just clearly a couple of years younger. Regulus immediately forgets and begs for him to stay as he throws insults at his head.

Then the Sirius he's looking at is crying again and he's attempting to give Regulus that horrid potion and he weakly grabs his wrist.

"Please. Stop. I don't want this anymore", he whimpers.

Sirius lets out a breathy sigh. "Just a little while longer, Reggie. Just a little while."

  
Maybe it's that damn nickname that does it, but Regulus opens his mouth and, for the first time in a long while, whole-heartedly trusts Sirius.

The next couple of minutes are excruciating, like they always are. He sees things he'll never be able to unsee- _just a little while longer-_ and he begs Sirius to just end it already, but eventually it stops. His throat is dry as parchment and he looks around and he's probably saying something about water, because he hears Sirius fumbling with the bowl, cursing as he does so. Regulus drags himself to the water, scratching open his hands in his haste, and just as he puts his hand in the black lake Sirius is there, grabbing his hand and pulling it out.

  
"What are you _doing_?", he screams just as a white, slimy hand grabs Regulus' arm. Sirius' eyes widen in fear as he attempts to get it off.  
"Oh God", he mutters as he looks around and undoubtedly sees dozens of more inferi swim up. If there was such a thing as a muggle God, he clearly didn’t care for wizards. No almighty being would allow for this to be a reality.

Even in his haze Regulus knows what comes next.

"Get away from here", he croaks and as if one cue three more hands shoot out of the water and grab him, pulling and clawing.

"Regulus! Fuck! No! No!", Sirius screams as he, stupidly heroic, tries to pull him back. He doesn't have the chance to grab his wand, as that would mean letting go of Regulus and letting him be pulled under.

Sirius doesn't let go, not even as the first inferi crawl on the island and get to him as well.

His agonized screams echo in Regulus' ears and it's the last thing he hears before he's pulled under and takes Sirius, who's still stubbornly clinging to him, with him.

  
He closes his eyes and lets Death claim him for the fourth time.

Regulus opens his eyes and knows what he must do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angst is my middle name what can i say
> 
> pls do let me know what you thought of it!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yoo here we go dudes i'm sorry it's been a while since my last update!!

He gets up and stumbles out of bed, only one thought in his mind. He nearly forgets the locket.  
He goes downstairs in a daze, vaguely hears his mothers call, and opens Kreacher's closet. His house elf looks up at him with bloodshot eyes.

"Kreacher, take me to Sirius", he orders.

Kreacher's eyes widen. "Why would Kreacher take master Regulus to the blood-“

Regulus isn't as patient as he usually is with Kreacher.

  
"Take me to him", he snaps and Kreacher winces. Regulus can't find it in himself to feel guilty.

  
Kreacher gingerly grabs his hand and disapparates. They land in front of Sirius’ door and Regulus stares at it. Fear coursing through him, because what if the time loop only applied to himself, what if his brother was-

"You can leave, Kreacher. I'll call you when I need you", he says, his voice strangled and he doesn’t see the uncertainty on Kreacher's face before he disappears with a bang.

The door is thrown open not even five seconds later and there is his brother, alive and well, looking at him with the distrust on his face Regulus knows he deserves. He raises his trembling hands automatically at the sight of the wand.

He nearly collapses in relief while doing so. He didn't kill Sirius. He's _okay._

He wasn't before, though. In his crusade Regulus took him down with him, because he didn't trust his brother. He manipulated him, and Sirius paid for it with his life.

Sirius has been speaking to him, voice harsh and suspicious. But Regulus had been so distracted by his own morbid thoughts he didn't even hear. His wand is fished out of his pocket and he's dragged inside before Sirius looks around the hallway.

  
"So? You finally gonna open your mouth and tell me to what I owe the pleasure? Or did you become a mute in the time we didn’t see each other?", He asks with a grimace after closing the door and turning towards him. When Regulus still doesn’t answer (because he can barely breathe, how the _hell_ is he supposed to open his mouth and produce sounds?) he frowns, probably entertaining the thought for this wild speculation to be the truth.

“You’re not actually though, right?“, he starts hesitantly, wand lowering a bit. The notion triggers something inside Regulus.

"I'm sorry, Sirius", he says and his voice comes out all wobbly. The moment the sentence has left his mouth tears start running over his cheeks. He knows he should feel embarrassed, but at this point he's so overwhelmed with relief and guilt there's really no room for shame. "I'm so fucking sorry."

Though the him in the new timeline has undoubtedly not given Sirius any reason to trust him, his brother still lowers his wand nonetheless, uncertainty and something akin worry flashes over his face.

"What's wrong?", he asks, but there's no bite to his voice.

  
Sirius really is the bigger man out of the two of them.

Regulus practically throws himself into his brother's arms, burying his face into his shoulder and trying very hard not to sob. Sirius stiffens, awkwardly trying to manoever his wand out of the way. As if he thinks Regulus will try to take it from him. Which he does, probably.

  
"It's all my fault. I shouldn't have...should've never-", he chokes on a sob and stops talking. He practically feels Sirius lose his inner battle. 

"I really don't know what you're on about", Sirius mutters and then he puts his arms around Regulus' waist. Hugging him back just as tightly. If someone had told Regulus he'd be hugging his estranged brother- _and_ cry in his arms while doing so- two months ago he'd have probably cursed them to hell and back. Then again, two months ago he was fresh out of school and still practically worshipping the very ground Voldemort walked on and gushing about him to his deranged mother as well. Bloody _idiot_ , he thinks furiously. 

All the emotions of the last couple of days comes pouring out and Regulus cries harder than he has in years. Sirius holds him through it, though. Rubbing his back and not saying anything.

Somehow they end up on the couch and when Regulus finally manages to peel himself off his brother he's looking back at him with worry in his grey eyes. The sight of them nearly send Regulus into another hysterical fit askin to the ones Kreacher's prone to have, but he manages to keep it in this time. 

"Sorry", he mumbles.

  
"So you've said", Sirius says quietly. "You haven't specified for what, though."

His eyes travel down to Regulus’ arm.

"I...", Regulus looks down at his lap, letting out a trembling sigh. "I don't know where to start."

"At the beginning preferably", Sirius jokes weakly and Regulus glares at him, but the effect is kind of ruined by the fact that he's still holding onto Sirius, as if he's afraid his older brother will disappear if he lets go. Which granted, he kind of is.

There's a lot and Sirius isn't guaranteed to believe him. Hell, if Sirius came to him with the same story he knows he wouldn't.

But not trusting Sirius got them both killed last time, so he's not about to lie-or conveniently leave out information-again.

"I think you should just look", Regulus says. He hates when people poke around in his mind, the last person to do so was the Dark Lord when he offered for Kreacher to go with him and that'd been intrusive and humiliating, because he'd poked around (more like ravished) further than Regulus had wanted him to and he’d looked at all his weaknesses and failures and had grinned mockingly afterwards-  
He shudders. He knows Sirius though and deep down he's a noble prat, so he won't be poking around where Regulus doesn't want him to.

"Are you suggesting I use legilimency on you?", Sirius asks, his handsome face shocked.

"Yes, I...I trust you", he says and as he does he knows he means it. Sirius looks even more surprised, before his face softens as he must see something in Regulus' eyes that confirms the statement.

  
"I mean, if you're sure", he concedes and raises his wand as Regulus brings the occurrences from the past few days to the forefront.

  
"Wait", he says before Sirius can utter the spell. "I really am sorry."

Sirius looks worried more than confused as he mutters. _“Legilimens.”_

Having someone use legilimency on you is never pleasant. And it takes all Regulus has not to remember the countless occlumency lessons of his father and force Sirius out. Sirius is gentle, though and Regulus shoves the thoughts he wants Sirius to see forward.

He sees himself offers Kreacher and the Dard Lord compliments him, a sinister smile on his face. _“So the spare does know how to be useful.”_

  
Kreacher returns just as Regulus ordered him to and he stares up at the ceiling, completely soaked and with fingerprints marring his thin arms and neck, only croaking one word as Regulus, borderline hysterical, asks him what happened. "Water."

  
It takes Regulus a couple of days before he can coax what happened out of Kreacher and when he knows he feels more guilty than ever and the fearful reverence he once had for his master has contorted into fear and his loyalty wavered.

  
He does research on the locket for weeks. Even looks into Kreacher’s mind in his desperation to find out. After weeks of research he eventually does find out what it is the Dark Lord created. A horcrux. A part of ones soul violently ripped out and put into an object, a pathetic attempt to keep on living made by someone terrified to die. Regulus is disgusted and knows what he must do.

He asks Kreacher to take him to the cave and he does not make Kreacher swim or cut himself or drink. Fear, so palpable it almost consumes him, courses through him, but he faces his dead head on. There's no hesitation when he starts drinking. He screams, though. At visions only he can see. Though it's pretty clear to anyone who knows him even just a little bit who it is he's hallicinating about.

After it's over he deliriously crawls towards the lake and he doesn’t even get to drink before he's pulled under by dead hands as Kreacher’s forced to watch it happen.

Then he wakes up and does it all over again, under the impression that it was a dream. He gives his life for the cause for a second time..

The third time he knows something is wrong and he doesn't go to the cave. He knows he has to right a wrong and he still dies. Though not in quite as gruesome a fashion.

The fourth time he goes to Sirius, the only one he can trust. Sirius joins him and dies with him, unable to let his little brother go.

Sirius exits his mind and looks at Regulus with big eyes. He's deadly pale and it reminds Regulus of the day before.

"Are you mad?", he asks fearfully and he wonders when exactly he started caring about what Sirius thought about him again. (He wonders if he ever stopped.)

Sirius puts his head in his hands.  
"Fuck Reg. This is so...bloody screwed up. That asshole really made horcruxes and...those things that murdered you, they-“, Sirius looks up and he kind of looks like he’s about to be sick before he takes a calming breath.

  
“You had live through that three times already", he continues quietly. "You've been so fucking brave. I don't...I don't think I could've."

Regulus shrugs uncomfortably. Best not too think about into much, lest the PTSD he no doubts suffers from at this point catch up to him and he belatedly jump into shock or something.

"I don't....I know it's not worth much after everything, but I'm proud of you. Even if you deflected because of Kreacher of all people", Sirius babbles and it actually startles a laugh out of Regulus. It’s quiet for a while as they both try to collect their thoughts.

Sirius doesn't hate him because of what he made him do. He's _proud_ of Regulus for what he attempted to do. Warmth spreads all throughout him and the relief he feels nearly makes him sag forward.

"When you drank that potion", Sirius starts uncertainly, his eyes glazed over as he thinks back on the memory. “You saw mother...did she really use the cruciatus curse on you?"

Regulus bites his lip, the warm feeling leaving him. "Only once. Right after you left. She was...really hung up on that for a while."

  
Sirius lets out a trembling sigh and buries his face in his hands again. Regulus once read that people tended to touch their face when they were upset, that it was comforting. He wonders if that's what Sirius is doing now. When his brother speaks his voice is muffled. "…and I'm the idiot that left you there. I should've taken you with me."

Regulus shrugs uncomfortably. "Even if you'd have asked I wouldn't have gone with you."

  
"Then I should’ve dragged you kicking and screaming, but I pointed a finger in your face and blamed you, because I thought she would never do to you what she did to me", Sirius says quietly and he sounds as wracked by guilt as Regulus did a couple of minutes ago. 

"In understand why you did it, Sirius. I blamed you for a long time, but…I've always been the spare", he says gently, grabbing his older brother’s hand and squeezing. Only this time without the desperate need to disapparate to that wretched cave. For now, at least. Sirius looks at him with big eyes. "We all just didn't realize it. Mother and I never really had a connection, I think part of her loathed that I had no backbone. I realize that now, but I did spend my entire childhood chasing her aspiration.”

Sirius is silent as he digests that information.

  
“I honestly think you're the only one whose ever truly left an impact on her. Of course it did drive her mad with grieve in the end along with father's death, but still...” Regulus lets out a humorless chuckle as looks into the gently roaring fireplace. He vaguely wonders how Sirius got it to work, through magic or the muggle way? Maybe living in a muggle apartment made him pick up their habits. "Well, you've seen her. She's long gone. I don’t even think she’ll realize I’m gone."

That he does doubt. His mother has her moments of clarity and if anything is going to bring her grieve, it’s his death. Not for Regulus himself, probably. More the realisation that she’s got no heir left and that the house Black will die out.

Let it, Regulus thinks so viciously he surprises even himself. Let it _rot._

"I never thought of you as a spare”, Sirius says quietly and despite the relief and happiness he feels at the fact that Sirius is alive, that still riles him up. He can’t help the laugh that forces its way out of his throat, bitter and loud. He snatches his hand back. “Yeah, right.”

Sirius frowns. “Why-?”

“Oh come on, Sirius. How did you put it? _‘James has been more of a brother to me than you have ever been_ ’”, the impression isn’t like it used to be and it stupidly upsets him more than he anticipated. “Something like that, right?”, he says and for a second it feels like he’s sixteen again, every much as upset and hateful like he did the first time they were hurled at his head

“Yeah well, that was after you got yourself marked, so excuse me for being angry”, Sirius says and his eyes are cold now, too. It’s like looking into his mother’s eyes. Regulus stiffens and glares.

“Oh, come off it, Reg. Obviously I was gonna say that!”, Sirius snaps and Regulus just huffs.

“Yeah well, you made yourself clear back then, do don’t lie to me now”, he snaps and as soon as the words have left his mouth he realizes how childish he sounds.

Sirius flushes. “Prongs is the closest thing I have to family next to you lot-oh, don’t give me that look!", he says annoyedly, but he corrects himself nonetheless. "Next to you guys. But you were still my brother, Reg. Despite all the shit you did."

Suddenly Regulus feels drained. Like he'll never wake up again if he closes his eyes now.

"All the shit I did should’ve made you call the order the moment I showed up on your doorstep", he says quietly, studying Sirius' reaction closely. He looks shell-shocked, like that particular thought didn't even enter his mind. It's utterly idiotic, but it makes affection course through him nonetheless. At each other’s throats one second and talking affectionately the next. That sounds about right, he thinks. "You shouldn't have trusted me to have you best interest at heart. You should've cursed me as soon as you saw that memory."

His brother shakes his head. "You're doing what you can to atone."

"Atone…? But...I manipulated you!", Regulus argues, in a sudden fit of masochism he didn’t know he possessed. Maybe because of a part of him thinks he deserves the anger. He _does_ deserve the anger. "I used you to do my dirty work and you...you died because of me."

Sirius' eyes harden. "That's not on you. I chose to do that. I could've let you go."

He doesn’t understand why Sirius of all people is defending his actions. It makes his head hurt. For the first time he wonders if this is all some sort of hallucination. That the Dark Lord somehow found out about his plans and had him tortured into insanity and he’s currently lying in St-Mungo’s, drool dribbling down his chin and this is his life forever now. He shudders. No doubt would the Dark Lord see it as a fitting punishment.

"And you lied to me to get me to come. It's a fucking shitty thing to do, but fuck Reg", Sirius utters, grey eyes stormy when he looks up. "I get it. Hell, I would've done the same thing if it meant getting rid of You-Know-Who."

Somehow Regulus can't see Sirius manipulating James Potter into going on a suicide mission. But maybe it's because Sirius' actions of the day before are clouding his mind. His brother _is_ a noble prat, but there's definitely something from the infamous Black madness there. Something wild and callous.

In fact, his brother was happy enough to manipulate Severus Snape into nearly getting himself killed by a werewolf. He'd been younger then, though. Young and fucking stupid. Still, is anyone naive enough to think orchestrating a plan to let a friend kill another student wouldn’t have any consequences?

Regulus doubts it.

Though he still remembers the months that Lupin refused to say a word to his brother after that. Glowering as Sirius followed him around like a kicked puppy. It’d probably taught him not to show that side of himself ever again.

He swallows dryly. "Still. I...am sorry."

Sirius grins a little. "Jesus Reg, you're starting to sound like a Hufflepuff.”

And it's only because of that smile that Regulus blurts. "I almost was one, you know? I had to argue with the hat to be put into Slytherin."

Sirius doesn’t look too shocked by what would’ve been an earth-shattering revelation to his dorm-mates. “Honestly, I’m not surprised. You’re soft enough to be one.”

And Regulus feels the unexpected need to defend his almost-house. “Being a Hufflepuff isn’t about being soft.”

Sirius raises his eyebrows, surprised. “I guess that was a wrong way of wording it. And you’re not, anyway. I was wrong about you.”

Regulus bites his lip, remembering the conversation he’d had with the sorting hat so many years ago.

* * *

_“Hmm, a good brain. Certainly. Brave as well as resourceful”, the hat says into his ear and Regulus wishes he’d just yell ‘Slytherin’ and get it over with already. The hat had barely touched Evan’s head before yelling it. He doesn’t want Bella writing to his parents the hat had hesitated with him._

_“…but also practical. Caring as well. Almost too much, one could say. Compassion streams in your blood, young Black. Hufflepuff would be a good fit.”_

_Regulus’ blood runs cold. His parents are already mortified with one Black in a house that isn’t a Slytherin. He can’t bring even more shame upon the noble house of Black. He can’t. Not after seeing how his mother had reacted to Sirius getting into Gryffindor._

_“No”, he whispers frantically. “Slytherin. I want Slytherin.”_

_“...are you certain? Not that you wouldn’t fit there, of course. You seem traditional enough. Putting family before your own wants. Cunning as well, though it can certainly be perfected…Are you really sure, young Black?”_

_“Yes”, he hisses_ _. “Yes.”_

_“Well then, if you are sure. It will have to be…SLYTHERIN!”_

_And Regulus nearly collapses in relief when the hat is pulled off of his head and he makes his way over to the cheering Slytherin table. He resolutely keeps his gaze away from the Hufflepuff-table the rest of the evening. Which is easy enough, because looking there would mean looking at his seething older brother. Who he’d also like to avoid, right now. And preferably also for the rest of the year._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i once saw a post on tumblr that put characters in different houses and they put regulus in hufflepuff and omg?? that fits SO well literally love them for that. so ye, that is now my new headcanon!!
> 
> i hope you guys are still enjoying it, i think i've finally got a plan for this fic!! you'd think i'd have more time to write but with this whole mess it's like my school suddenly decided to give us 50 deadlines a week sooo:'))


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